My eyes focus on a paper, where a mute lady just wrote me a message, my eyes focus on these squiggly letters that are meant to transfer ideas and thoughts from one person to another and create a visualization of something remarkable in your brain, where you imagine yourself in that situation and it puts you in that particular writer’s world of excitement, adventure and chaos. Reading a message that could have been written thousands of years ago and it’s now yours. So I read, eagerly and with great anticipation and it says “you are in the women’s bathroom!!” Crap, not again.

-M. Lamp-Paz

“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

If couches were gyms, we would be the healthiest nation in the world!

-M. Lam-Paz

(Just so you know, I googled fit people on a couch and this is what they showed me, look below)

“If you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway, then it makes it sense that you have tolls on the freeway”

“Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night”

-The fat man himself

There’s these people, and they go around from city to city asking you to make them the “Person” who makes decisions for you. They’re telling you that they can make decisions for you better than you can and to let them. And their first decision for you is to have you give them money so they can go to the next city and tell the other people the same thing. And they tell you that they are here for you, and that they are knowledgeable, trustworthy, and want the best for you, but they need your money to prove it, because they can’t otherwise. And when they get to that position they are going to reward you by making you pay extra for items, like food , clothes, cars, houses and they are going to give it an easy name, tax, but that it’s ok because they aren’t going to keep all that money, no, they are going to buy tanks and ships, and planes and guns. Lots and lots of guns and they are going to send you on vacation to a beach. A beach in the middle east where you are going to get to use  those tanks, ships, planes and lots and lots of guns. They are going to give that vacation an easy name as well, war. They can’t go on this vacation because they hate guns, they hate guns and want to ban them unless the people that make the guns gave them money so they could get to the position to make the decisions. And they don’t have time for vacation because they have to make these decisions. No, they don’t have the time because they have to make decisions, they have to make decisions like about where to put a library with their name on it because they made decisions. And you are going to love them for those decisions. You are going to love them because they sent you on vacation, and bought you these nice guns.

-M. Lam-Paz

An adaptation from George Carlin. Ode to George Carlin.

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”

-George Carlin

“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!”

-George Carlin

The quote of the day is for my son, excellent discussion.

Bonus Quote from the ever funny George Carlin:

“Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”

When I was a kid, my English teacher looked my way and said, “Name two pronouns.” I said, “Who, me?”