I was over my girlfriend’s house and somehow I was roped into giving her a massage. She was always funny. I would try to talk to her and she would grab my hand and put it on her back. I would start then I would stop and try to talk to her again and she would look up, reach for my hand and put it on her back. I would stop and say “I don’t think you’re listening to me”, she would turn her head, look for my hand, grab it and put it on her back and say “what”. So I would just give her the massage and she would get this cheese eating grin on her face that would make me laugh. This day, she pulled a fast one on me. I started to massage her back and I would normally unclasp her bra, but I couldn’t find it. She said “take off my bra”. I started to look for the clasp again but couldn’t find it. She said what are you doing, take it off, really sweet like. So I started to try and slip off the straps, maybe that’s what she wanted. She just turned her head a little and said “take off the clasp”. I was perplexed, I rubbed my eyes. Was it a microclasp or a velcro clasp. She them turned and said “What, were you a virgin before you met me, don’t you know how to take off a bra?”. She laid back down when I realized the problem. “apurase, slow poke” she said. So I pulled on the back strap a little, then a little more, then a little more and I let it go. It snapped onto her back and she sat up and said “ouch”. I then reached to the front of her bra and and unclasped the bra. She just laughed a little and said, “Uh, I forgot which bra I had on.” She then rubbed her back a little and started to look at her middle finger and started to rub it with her thumb. She said “you see that?” and I got closer to look at her finger and she plucks me right in the middle of the forehead and gives me a dirty look. She then takes off her bra, lays down, puts my hand on her back and says “hurry up virgin” and laughs to herself and her body starts to shake, like mini convulsions, because she’s trying to hold in her laughter. She was helluva of funny.

I’m sure this has happened to everyone else. I just didn’t really know how to handle it. I was on a work trip to San Francisco and I went to a bar with my fellow worker. We saw two young ladies at the bar talking and he became interested in one. He asked me to play the wing man while he tried to get to know the other one a little better. Being married, wing man and ice breaker was my designated role on all layovers. I get in there and make a complete ass of myself telling quirky stories and talk up my buddy. He comes over and buys a round and I stay talking to the other young lady or ladies while he figures out which of the ladies he likes. For me it was always a lesson in futility because 99.9 per cent of the time they completely strike out and it gives me a story to tell the fellas at work if they don’t pay for the taxi back to the airport the next day. This day, my buddy seems to find someone that he eyes. She eyes him back and the next thing I know we are all headed to our hotel. I don’t really care what these guys do but on the way back I kept asking her friend if she wanted me to pay for a taxi for her so she could go back home, since her friend was the one that drove. She kept saying no, that she would be alright. This started to give me a funny feeling. I looked at my friend and whispered to him that he better figure something out. We get back to the hotel and he goes to the front desk and, when they weren’t watching, I made a beeline to the elevators and went to my room. The next thing I know, I hear knocking at my door and the young lady asking for me to let her in. I first spoke in Spanish “no hablo ingles” to try and ward her off. She left only to come back and try again and this time she said “Jeff told me you were Spanish or Mexican”. So I tell her “look, I’m married, I can’t let you in”. She was persistent and I locked the door with the security latch. I kept telling her no and I hear her leave. I go back to bed and I get a call from my friend and he says to let her in or he wouldn’t be able to close the deal. I told him that your deal is not my problem, pay for a room for her friend or pay for a taxi. He gave me shit for the next ten minutes so I said alright, tell her to come back here. When she got back, I yelled “No hablo fucking Ingles, I’m married, tengo catarro. You’re not getting in”. She left and when I woke up the next day I got ready for work, I met my partner, we were in Law Enforcement, in the lobby and he gave me shit. I told him, “yeah, I don’t care, yo no hablo ingles, tengo catarro, next time get her friend a room or go to their house”. I played wing man a lot over the years.

I know I’m like million, hundreds of millions of people that would do the same thing. I’m just dealing with the portion of the population that would allowed her to come in.

I used to date this woman that we became so close that she was just make these grunts to tell me what she wanted. A medium grunt in the middle of the night meant she wanted a pillow under her knee when she slept on her side. A fast grunt with high tone meant that I forgot to put my arm around her waist while we slept. A deep grunt with a stare, well, it was my turn to get breakfast or I forgot the coffee.

I spent the night at my girlfriends house, really just a room she was renting from a friend, and she woke up first. She asked me to go get breakfast and I told her that I was tired. She rattled off a litany of spanish words, pretty much asking who was the man in the relationship in the longest possible way and I told her that we would make a deal, the first person to get out of bed goes get breakfast and the other pays. She said alright and sat up on the bed staring at me, I looked at her and pushed her off the bed and told her my wallet is over there and repositioned myself to the middle of the bed with my arms spread out and a silly little grin on my face, (after I looked to make sure she was alright). Then what you are viewing happens. She rose up, sat on the bed, pushed me with her feet, on my face, stomach, hips (I covered my nuts) legs until she pushed me off, me hitting my noggin. I got up and she has this look on her face, with her hands over her mouth of I hope I didn’t hurt him. After seeing I was alright, she put her arms on her side, lowered her brow and then she said your wallet is over there. I guess it was my turn to get breakfast.

 

I got a call last night and the person started the conversation “you belligerent little shit”… after a few minutes I found out that he was actually talking to someone else prior and had made the mistake of dialing the wrong number. I guess we all sound alike. LOL. I was not all to happy because I missed the conversation that made this person go off like that. It must have been a doozy. I was kinda hoping he would have told me what they said.

I was walking with my girlfriend outside a Kroger near Wright Patt AFB in Ohio. Me and my girlfriend, who was African American, were talking when an older white lady, and when I say older, she was about 40, I was 23, walked by with abs that you could throw a quarter at. If after throwing a quarter at her abs you didn’t get two 12.5 cent pieces, the quarter would have definitely bounced off like it was hitting a brick wall. Now, me being naive and noticing this lady as she walked by and smiled, I just said to my girlfriend “did you see that lady’s abs”? She turned and smacked the cheez wiz taste out of my mouth (it really wasn’t that hard, more like a love tap), grabbed the keys, jumped in the car and took off. I had to walk 5 miles back to the house where she said “I’m sorry” and I just looked and said “aha”. Lesson learned, if you going to look at a woman’s amazing abs as she walks by, make sure you can point out what’s behind her so you can tell your girlfriend, I think we need to buy some Kroger brick wall.

As I got older I never understood this fascination with six pack abs. I had friends show off and women asking me how to get them? I’d  say I don’t know, never had them, but I had twinkies, they’re good. I have a flat stomach, when I lay down. My abs are ripped, all along the wrinkles.

Dating a person with a unisex name can be awkward. When you tell your friends about her they get this funny look on their face… Jo was an amazing person, I’m sorry, don’t mean to confuse you, Jo(sephine) was an amazing person. I married a Cat(alina) who was…. well… wow!!! Dated a T(ara) J(oi) that was funny and a little jealous. Cris(tina) used to have a crush on me, sort of. I guess all the others were gender specific, Janina, Latrice, Brenda, Kimberly, Sylvia, Sydel. Never dated a Pat(ricia) or a Sam(antha). Had a crush on another Jo(anna) but she came around the same time as wow and Sydel was her best friend….