Did you know that this country was formed because a bunch of complainers felt like acting out? America’s first complainers. We wouldn’t be here without them.

I once stepped on someone’s toes by accident. They demanded my wife, son, house and dog. I had the last laugh, my dog ran away years ago. To dramatically overreact.

I once dated a woman that was so intelligent and talked so fast that by the time the conversation was over it was my fault that she forgot my birthday and that I was a rotten boyfriend for not buying her a gift…on my birthday.

Moral of the story is that some people have a gift at turning things on you even though it ain’t true. Before you know it, it was everyone else’s fault and they are the god send. Things to beware of …. it’s your fault, it’s the neighbor’s fault, it’s your family’s fault, it’s the judge’s fault but it’s never their fault.

Alright, she just made the point it isn’t her fault, sorry neighbor, this one’s goes one you. Keeping that eye on you.

Six different parts of my spine broken and I’m still fucking with them. My momma had a name for that, “shitload stupid”, which is less than a fuckton stupid but more than an assload stupid.

Growing up poor is a starting point, the finish line doesn’t come for years. The only difference, the way I saw it, was the swimming pools. Some of them had them in the backyard and some of us had them in the form of a fire hydrant. It did teach me resilience, work ethic and not to take life for granted. It also taught me to lock the back door.

I was on a flight and boarded early. The flight attendant, a man in his thirties, decided to serve me and another guy some snacks early, before everyone else boarded. He gave the other guy a pack of peanuts and then walked over to me and just through the whole bag of peanuts on the seat next to me. There were about 50 peanuts in the bag. I looked over to the other guy confused and he said “I guess he wants you to have his nuts”. I laughed and grabbed a handful of peanuts for me and gave the the other guy, a work partner, a handful and brought the rest to the flight attendant. I told him thanks and gave him the bag back and then he asked me on a date. I told him “Sorry man, I’m straight. But thanks” he asked “for what?”, I said “it’s still a compliment”. He just shrugged and said “ok, your welcome, I guess.” This would not be the only time this happened, I got free drinks, free upgrade, entry into an exclusive neutral nightclub, not because they found me attractive, maybe they did, but because I don’t find it an insult that someone of the same sex found me attractive so I thanked them all and explained that I was straight. I think they appreciated the way I handled it, which got me the free stuff.

I once liked a woman so much that when I ran out of conversation I told her “did you know that two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen makes water?”, she said “I have to go”. I just thought to myself, yep, that seems right.