I was walking with my girlfriend outside a Kroger near Wright Patt AFB in Ohio. Me and my girlfriend, who was African American, were talking when an older white lady, and when I say older, she was about 40, I was 23, walked by with abs that you could throw a quarter at. If after throwing a quarter at her abs you didn’t get two 12.5 cent pieces, the quarter would have definitely bounced off like it was hitting a brick wall. Now, me being naive and noticing this lady as she walked by and smiled, I just said to my girlfriend “did you see that lady’s abs”? She turned and smacked the cheez wiz taste out of my mouth, grabbed the keys, jumped in the car and took off. I had to walk 5 miles back to the house where she said “I’m sorry” and I just looked and said “aha”. Lesson learned, if you going to look at a woman’s amazing abs as she walks by, make sure you can point out what’s behind her so you can tell your girlfriend, I think we need to buy some Kroger brick wall.

As I got older I never understood this fascination with six pack abs. I had friends show off and women asking me how to get them? I’d  say I don’t know, never had them, but I had twinkies, they’re good. I have a flat stomach, when I lay down. My abs are ripped, all along the wrinkles.

Dating a person with a unisex name can be awkward. When you tell your friends about her they get this funny look on their face… Jo was an amazing person, I’m sorry, don’t mean to confuse you, Jo(sephine) was an amazing person. I married a Cat(alina) who was…. well… wow!!! Dated a T(ara) J(oi) that was funny and a little jealous. Cris(tina) used to have a crush on me, sort of. I guess all the others were gender specific, Janina, Latrice, Brenda, Kimberly, Sylvia, Sydel. Never dated a Pat(ricia) or a Sam(antha). Had a crush on another Jo(anna) but she came around the same time as wow and Sydel was her best friend….

When you ask the cookie monster to guard the cookies, don’t be surprised by the outcome. Not only is he going to cookie jail but also the guy that put him in charge. How could you not know, he’s a freaking cookie monster.

 

Did you know that this country was formed because a bunch of complainers felt like acting out? America’s first complainers. We wouldn’t be here without them.

I once stepped on someone’s toes by accident. They demanded my wife, son, house and dog. I had the last laugh, my dog ran away years ago. To dramatically overreact.

I once dated a woman that was so intelligent and talked so fast that by the time the conversation was over it was my fault that she forgot my birthday and that I was a rotten boyfriend for not buying her a gift…on my birthday.

Moral of the story is that some people have a gift at turning things on you even though it ain’t true. Before you know it, it was everyone else’s fault and they are the god send. Things to beware of …. it’s your fault, it’s the neighbor’s fault, it’s your family’s fault, it’s the judge’s fault but it’s never their fault.

Alright, she just made the point it isn’t her fault, sorry neighbor, this one’s goes one you. Keeping that eye on you.

Six different parts of my spine broken and I’m still fucking with them. My momma had a name for that, “shitload stupid”, which is less than a fuckton stupid but more than an assload stupid.