I respect all Hispanic mothers because I have one and I love her and so does my son but also because that chancla would go Matrix and bend corners and smack me upside the head when I didn’t. Feliz Cumpleanos mama…. Don’t forget to kiss your mom on her birthday to show her how much you respect women.

 

I used to do stop and frisk. I used to stop the Bank of America guys and take their pens so they couldn’t sign the reverse mortgage policies. You should have seen them cry. I used to yell at them “What shitty policies that ruin peoples lives are you going to sign with this pen”. And they would cry and say I don’t know how that got there, it isn’t mine. The problem is that you don’t need a background check to buy a pen.

Mont Blanc, destroyed more lives than any war. And for the record, I don’t think Bloomberg is a racist. I think he took the recommendations that were given without fully exploring the outcome or what it entailed and once he was in, he felt that he had to protect those recommendations.

I was working my night shift with the Border Patrol when I received a radio call from our person working scope. I was TDY to Douglas, Arizona where the influx of illegal citizens were overwhelming the area. The scope person tells me he has a group of three crossing by the wash heading towards the highway. I position myself in front of them, the most likely route they are going to take while other agents were working from the border towards them. As I laid in wait, I see the first person pop his head up, looking to see of the coast is clear. The person puts his head back down and the pops out of the brush and then I see two more people start to come out of the brush and I start to run over to cut them off. They see me and they lay down flat. I yell “parese” and they just look at me and yell it again “levantanse todos” and the next thing I see, like a bunch of gophers popping up one at a time, 50 people stand up. I just look and thought holy shit, So I yell, “sientense” and they all sat down and then my partner runs over, who doesn’t quite know yet and yells “levantanse”, I just said “no, no, no” and all 50 get up and he says “oh shit” and then yells “sientanse” and they all sit down. He says that’s not three, I said yeah. We inform scope that the group was upwards of 50 and he says I have bad angle up here. I asked were you looking at this group, he said yes and I asked maybe that the scope should go in for maintenance. During this whole time of two BP agents and 50 illegal citizens, the illegal citizens never once were disrespectful or failed to follow any of our commands. One guy asked, as we were doing our searches for weapons and illegal contraband, how we spotted them and I told him we have satellites and he just looks up and says, “looking at us”,  and I said yeah, and he looks up and waves hi. LOL, poor guy, my partner told them they have missiles and the the guy says nahhhh! they would’ve killed me a long time ago. I started to laugh and said to my partner, we have a repeat customer. The illegal citizen said, I was in already, I just wanted to visit my family for Christmas. I told him he was funny, that I was going to let him drive the transport van, he said really, I said NO!, este loco……

#ATS

 

My Colombian girlfriend’s reaction after she introduces me to her family. Her mother and 3 sisters. She would later ask me who I thought was the prettiest. I didn’t like lying to her so I just asked bluntly, do I have to pick you?

I ended up telling her that I really couldn’t say because they looked so much alike they could be sisters. I got the same response. #Crazy chiquita banana.

 

My response to the guy that made my Colombian girlfriend cry.

 

7+ magnitude Earthquakes, super hurricanes, giant tornadoes, deadly viruses, shop rite ran out of honey nut cheerios, it’s the end of times. Ah, found the cheerios, it’s all good.