The Devil is walking down this winding country road when he runs into a handbasket

Devil: Hey, what are you doing here?

Handbasket: Just hanging out

Devil: You want to catch a Netflix movie with me

Handbasket: Sure

Devil: What do you have in the there

Handbasket: The USA

Devil: I see

Handbasket: Where are we going to watch the movie at?

Devil: My place

Hell in a handbasket……..

To go to hell in a handbasket means to go to one’s doom, to deteriorate quickly, to proceed on a course to disaster. The phrase go to hell in a handbasket is an American phrase which came into general use during the American Civil War, though its popularity has spread into other countries. Even though, America still leads all other nations on somehow trying to bring the adage to fruition.

Religion, for those who believe, is like communism except the opposite. It’s one guy that has all the answers but lets the clueless make all the wrong choices after he explains them. So.. like democracy.

• 

Me and my son, who was 7 at the time, were sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast. He says “I’m handsome” as he eats his scrambled eggs and I ask him “how do you know?”. He says “mom told me”. I said “well, you do look exactly like me”. He just frowns and says “ah man” a little upset. I ask him “what’s wrong”. He says “Mom tells me I’m handsome and you tell me I’m not.” I bought him a pack of chips ahoy cookies. It was the worst burn I ever got in my life. I laughed for like an hour.

In breaking news, they are building 30 foot walls around voting centers. Further news has determined that Hispanics are voting with ease.

• 

I get a phone call and the guy says “a mouth is a mouth”, he was saying that mouths were gender neutral. I disagreed with him but in these days , gender identity seems to be a problematic argument so I just told him “I don’t see it that way but you can. I’m sure it makes for fun barbecues when you’re playing spin the bottle”.

These phone anecdotes are pretty much true and I share them prior to them being distorted as to who said what. Still don’t know exactly why this same person keeps asking me these questions.

Or maybe he was just saying I got a pertty mouth……

I was reading that African Americans are 2.1 times more likely to contract COVID-19 and that Hispanics are 1.1 times more likely to contract the disease than non-Hispanic white Americans. I made the comment that I found it odd that Hispanics rates were that high given the reasoning for the high rates. It was due to poor diet and lack of physical exercise. My thought was since Hispanics are essentially poorer(less steaks more chicken and beans), in general, and work the harder more demanding jobs i.e construction and farm labor, that the rates would be lower than everyone else but before I could respond my neighbor from across the street chimes in and says because we are always running from the police. Normally I would find a dig like that funny but given that he was completely serious, I had to stop laughing and say “Oh, you’re serious” and then point to the fact that Hispanics are the least likely to commit a crime of any nationality according to the CDC and FBI statistics, at least major crimes, but so as not to hurt his feelings I did tell him that we are number 1 on illegal immigration, so as not to bring him down too much and give him a reason to live.

It was Sunday and I was laying down enjoying a lazy day and my Colombian girlfriend told me it was time to get up so we can go to church. I told her that it was my day off and that I would wait for her in bed until she got back. She laid her head on my chest and started to softly rub my arm, gave me a kiss on my chest. She said in the sweetest voice “come with me, like that we can be together in heaven too”. I said “We have to be together in heaven too!?” All I remember after that is more spanish words than I grew up with and my mom doesn’t speak English, thank god she was going to church so she could get some forgiving, didn’t know that there was that many dirty Spanish words in the Spanish language, and that the sermon wasn’t that bad.

There was a silver lining. During her berating of my questioning our afterlife, the certain things that I could pick up in her multiple rapid fire Spanish tongue lashing was that when she slapped my behind and told me to get up and to get ready, I told her alright, I have to take a shower, she said hurry up, we’ll take a shower together to save time. Alright, I’m starting to like Church. It didn’t save any time.

Another true story from my life

My wife, who was Colombian, had three ways to win an argument.

1. The soft tones with light touches and soothing glances
2. The quiet, lay her head down and let a tear roll down her face
3. The hahaha, where she would start by saying ha ha ha really loud and get into a 4 minute rant in Spanish which would go into something I did years ago and when you stop listening she ends it with “you are not even listening”.

In almost all instances I would agree to what she wants and she would then come up to me, give me a kiss, grab my head and push it into her chest (she was fully clothed, sometimes, and my wife). Then she would say, “go get breakfast while you’re at it”. The motor boating wasn’t always an option because sometimes I stood there waiting for it and she would just say, what are you looking at, vayase.

I was in Scotland for work. While there, two of us went out for dinner. We ordered the surf and turf. The waiter brought over our meal with a small bowl of liquid yellow stuff. We started to eat and dip the lobster into this yellow stuff and it immediately started to burn my throat a little. We looked at each other and we kept going. The waiter came over and asked if we needed anything and I told him that this butter tastes a little funny. He says that’s because it’s not butter, it’s liquid soap to clean your hands when you grab the lobster. Me and my friend look at each other and the waiter just looked at us like we were stupid and said did you not know that. One of us asked have you ever been to the United States. He said yes. Okay, that thing you were cleaning your hands with, that was butter. The waiter then asked do you want me to bring butter and I said no, but can you show me your finest bottle of windex to go with the meal.. We didn’t order anything else after that. I think we got labeled the snotty Americans because when we walked out, the bartender gave us the peace symbol backwards. True story.

I once liked a woman so much that when I ran out of conversation I told her “did you know that two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen makes water?”, she said “I have to go”. I just thought to myself, yep, that seems right.