My wife, who was Colombian, had three ways to win an argument.
The soft tones with light touches and soothing glances
The quiet, lay her head down and let a tear roll down her face
The hahaha, where she would start by saying ha ha ha really loud and get into a 4 minute rant in Spanish which would go into something I did years ago and when you stop listening she ends it with “you are not even listening”.
In almost all instances I would agree to what she wants and she would then come up to me, give me a kiss, grab my head and push it into her chest (she was fully clothed, sometimes, and my wife). Then she would say, “go get breakfast while you’re at it”. The motor boating wasn’t always an option because sometimes I stood there waiting for it and she would just say, what are you looking at, vayase.
I was in Scotland for work. While there, two of us went out for dinner. We ordered the surf and turf. The waiter brought over our meal with a small bowl of liquid yellow stuff. We started to eat and dip the lobster into this yellow stuff and it immediately started to burn my throat a little. We looked at each other and we kept going. The waiter came over and asked if we needed anything and I told him that this butter tastes a little funny. He says that’s because it’s not butter, it’s liquid soap to clean your hands when you grab the lobster. Me and my friend look at each other and the waiter just looked at us like we were stupid and said did you not know that. One of us asked have you ever been to the United States. He said yes. Okay, that thing you were cleaning your hands with, that was butter. The waiter then asked do you want me to bring butter and I said no, but can you show me your finest bottle of windex to go with the meal.. We didn’t order anything else after that. I think we got labeled the snotty Americans because when we walked out, the bartender gave us the peace symbol backwards. True story.
I once liked a woman so much that when I ran out of conversation I told her “did you know that two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen makes water?”, she said “I have to go”. I just thought to myself, yep, that seems right.
I get a phone call and the guy says “I own you”. At first I’m taken aback and say “what?!”. He then repeats it “I own you”. I just think for a minute and say “Alright, but I haven’t paid taxes in 5 years and I shit on the rug”.
(I was thinking about putting this in “fact of the day”)
My son was walking home from school when someone drove by and yelled at him “go back to Mexico”. My son, who was born in Colombia (which being a hispanic/LatinX country, automatically gives you Mexican nationality or at least that’s what the crazies think) but born a U.S. citizen, much like Ted Cruz’s situation, because I, his father, am a naturalized U.S. citizen, responded, “You need me, who are you going to hate if I leave, yourself”. While this a true story, his response was changed because he is a minor under the age of 14 at the time. All expletives were removed because I taught him better than that. (I was on the phone when that happened and the conversation was recorded and I’m the one that said the expletives, not him)
A buddy asked me what I would do if I were in charge during the COVID-19 pandemic. I told him that I would have the unicorns kill the virus. He says there’s no such thing as unicorns and I tell him there’s no such thing as me being in charge either. I’ll be in charge, when there’s virus killing unicorns. I’m not even in charge of my bowel movements or dropping that landmine behind the dumpster would not have been my first choice.
I get a phone call and the guy on the other line says “I’m going to dent your head like a pinata”. I respond “you are suppose to break pinatas” he says ” you know what I mean” I tell him “there’s candy inside. My three your old son broke the pinata on his second try. It’s like cray paper”. He says “fuck you”. I tell him “It’s basically soggy cardboard paper. If all you did is dent it then you might be a candidate for testosterone replacement therapy. Have you gotten yourself checked out.” He then hangs up, no thank you no appreciation. People are so rude, help them out and they just hang up on you.
Psychologists say that humor is a tool to mask other issues. I think psychologists say that because they suck as comedians. I think humor is a great way to make a living and break the ice with a woman. Looking at back at how lucky I have been in my life, I am going to say that I was better suited to be a psychologist.
The hardest thing for a man to do is admit he’s wrong and ask for help. I have been lucky in life to have been right and been able to do it on my own. Now I must bid you farewell because it’s almost 5 PM and the homeless shelter is about to close and if I don’t get there on time I don’t know where I’m going to sleep.
(Thanking San Diego, where I once made their streets my casa, for this inspirational anecdote)