Remember these signs. Had to have a shirt and shoes. The new one is going to read shirt and shoes and mask but still no mention of pants. I guess those are still optional.

I don’t like following trends so I went to a hypnotist so I can start smoking.

I used own a cafe and had a customer that would come in and ask for free stuff, I would tell him that everything is free tomorrow and was free yesterday but today, everything was full price, so he bought a coffee and said he would come back tomorrow. The next day he came by and asked is everything still free today, and I told him no, that’s tomorrow and yesterday, today it’s full price. He just looked at me and said I was here yesterday. No you were here today. He gave me a stare, bought a coffee and left. He came the next day, came up to me and said… yesterday, you told me everything is free today. I told him no, I said everything is free tomorrow and yesterday, and that was our policy, tomorrow and yesterday is always free for everyone but today, you pay full price.

I once got a valentine card from an ex-girlfriend that read “Life is temporary, Death is forever” We were split up, chances of reconciliation were “probably shouldn’t try”.

Several months into the pandemic and scientists come out with alcohol and sunlight. So what they’re saying is become an alcoholic and sleep in a tanning bed. This might hurt recovery a little bit. Did they test nicotine and heroin yet to see if it kills the virus. Maybe we can restart the tide pod challenge.

All kidding aside, I appreciate their efforts but we can still poke a little fun at them. Even the President made light of their recommendations.

But just in case, I am ordering my Everclear and seeing if I fit in my microwave.

(This is satire and don’t drink clorox as a remedy, it might not kill the virus but it will definitely kill you and then you are going to go to the afterlife and get everyone else infected) 😉 ……..

I respect all Hispanic mothers because I have one and I love her and so does my son but also because that chancla would go Matrix and bend corners and smack me upside the head when I didn’t. Feliz Cumpleanos mama…. Don’t forget to kiss your mom on her birthday to show her how much you respect women.

 

I used to do stop and frisk. I used to stop the Bank of America guys and take their pens so they couldn’t sign the reverse mortgage policies. You should have seen them cry. I used to yell at them “What shitty policies that ruin peoples lives are you going to sign with this pen”. And they would cry and say I don’t know how that got there, it isn’t mine. The problem is that you don’t need a background check to buy a pen.

Mont Blanc, destroyed more lives than any war. And for the record, I don’t think Bloomberg is a racist. I think he took the recommendations that were given without fully exploring the outcome or what it entailed and once he was in, he felt that he had to protect those recommendations.

I was working my night shift with the Border Patrol when I received a radio call from our person working scope. I was TDY to Douglas, Arizona where the influx of illegal citizens were overwhelming the area. The scope person tells me he has a group of three crossing by the wash heading towards the highway. I position myself in front of them, the most likely route they are going to take while other agents were working from the border towards them. As I laid in wait, I see the first person pop his head up, looking to see of the coast is clear. The person puts his head back down and the pops out of the brush and then I see two more people start to come out of the brush and I start to run over to cut them off. They see me and they lay down flat. I yell “parese” and they just look at me and yell it again “levantanse todos” and the next thing I see, like a bunch of gophers popping up one at a time, 50 people stand up. I just look and thought holy shit, So I yell, “sientense” and they all sat down and then my partner runs over, who doesn’t quite know yet and yells “levantanse”, I just said “no, no, no” and all 50 get up and he says “oh shit” and then yells “sientanse” and they all sit down. He says that’s not three, I said yeah. We inform scope that the group was upwards of 50 and he says I have bad angle up here. I asked were you looking at this group, he said yes and I asked maybe that the scope should go in for maintenance. During this whole time of two BP agents and 50 illegal citizens, the illegal citizens never once were disrespectful or failed to follow any of our commands. One guy asked, as we were doing our searches for weapons and illegal contraband, how we spotted them and I told him we have satellites and he just looks up and says, “looking at us”,  and I said yeah, and he looks up and waves hi. LOL, poor guy, my partner told them they have missiles and the the guy says nahhhh! they would’ve killed me a long time ago. I started to laugh and said to my partner, we have a repeat customer. The illegal citizen said, I was in already, I just wanted to visit my family for Christmas. I told him he was funny, that I was going to let him drive the transport van, he said really, I said NO!, este loco……

#ATS

 

My Colombian girlfriend’s reaction after she introduces me to her family. Her mother and 3 sisters. She would later ask me who I thought was the prettiest. I didn’t like lying to her so I just asked bluntly, do I have to pick you?

I ended up telling her that I really couldn’t say because they looked so much alike they could be sisters. I got the same response. #Crazy chiquita banana.