The case of the worst cereal killer has been solved. After a few misteps we finally fingered the suspect and affected an arrest. Our first suspect proved to be false rumors as Count Chocula was blamed by Reese’s Puffs. But then BLM stepped in and accused the investigators of profiling, just to later find out that Reese’s just wanted to have bigger part of the market. Froot Loops came up but the LGBTQIAtoZ community, (I have no idea what half those initials mean but there is no S), was ready and quickly shut that down. We started to look at Lucky Charms and where did he exactly get that pot of gold but oddly enough strippers and sex workers rallied around the green man and his prodigious…… pot of gold. Frankenberry was sought after he disappeared but a lot like Republicans that refuse to vaccinate, he is no longer in production and has died off. Cap’n Crunch became of particular interest only to find out he was out to sea with Froot Loops, we didn’t inquire any further. Toops Dulce de Leche was probed but the timeline didn’t work because he was deported after serving 3 tours in Afghanistan for trying to get some free Lucky Charms and being charged for shoplifting and couldn’t have done it. Honeycomb and Honey Nut Cheerios were looked at but we found out that they were testifying in congress that day about the destruction of honey trees, to which Democrats dressed up in lumber jack suits and started to do a traditional buzz dance and gave 50 billion dollars to save those trees, just to later find out that there is no such thing as a honey tree. Honeycomb and Honey Nut spent all that money on the Lucky Charms workers who later complained about their little pricks… of their stingers. In the end it was Tony the Tiger who did it and when asked why he did it, he stated “I’m a fucking Tiger”.
Again I apologize if anyone was offended and if you leave a comment about why I will rectify the situation immediately by blocking you from my site. Sorry.